Smart Car Play

About three years ago my darling wife determined that we should purchase a Smart Car. We had seen them while living and traveling for bit in Europe, especially Germany and France. "Oh they are so cute", my wife said, "and you can park them practically anywhere. Let's get one."

"Well", I answered, "I suppose we could if they are available in the United States, depending on how much they cost."

They were and are available, though not in profusion or for very cheap if you're figuring dollars per pound of car, and so to make a long story short, after a fairly lengthy time on the waiting list, we bought one--and have not regretted it. We have taken it on the highway all the way from Washington to Indianapolis; it goes fast, and of course it also goes slow. It is not a particularly cramped car despite its small appearance. But it is not a particularly smooth riding car given the size of its wheels and its low riding predilection. You feel every bump. So falling asleep at the wheel is really hard. A lot of people worry that the thing is too small to be safe, but I don't agree. It's a well built car, as Mercedes tend to be, and anyway in my opinion a car is as safe as its driver (certain exceptions acknowledged, like when a horny five-point buck gets in your way).

One of the best features of the Smart car is the fact that it has seat warmers. I am sure that other cars have a similar option, but in my experience this is the first time I have ever been able to just push a button and have warmth emerge from beneath my keister.

My wife and I have had some innocent fun trying to come up with names for this marvelous device. Just when we think we have exhausted the possibilities, given the fact that there are only 26 letters in the alphabet, we somehow manage to come up with even more.

I want to point out to younger people that this is how us oldsters entertain ourselves in a two-seat vehicle. You may laugh and deride us now, but just you wait, you whippersnappers.

In any event, just to illustrate what I mean, I have decided to list here many (not all) of the names for this wonderful device that I can remember from our trips to Philadelphia, Indianapolis, Baltimore, Frederick, Maryland, and elsewhere. I will go through the alphabet from start to finish as appropriate, since this is how we approached the challenge ourselves.

As you will see, we tend to the alliterative in our choices, and for some reason the letter "B" just keeps on giving, but this is hardly the limit. Oddly enough, we have had a heckuva time coming up with anything very good for the very obvious starter "ass" or "arse." If anyone can think of something really "smart" to go with that, we would ever so much appreciate your telling us. Of course we'll give you full credit, right here in this blog!

So here we go, as in, "Honey, please turn on . . . ":

The Arse Oven

The Backside Baker

The Bottom Baster

The Butt Burner

The Bum Blaster

The Bun Boiler

The Can Cooker

The Cheek Char

The Crack Crisper

The Duff Defroster

The Fanny Flame

The Fart Frier

The Grundle Griller

The Hunk Heater

The Keister Kindler

The Mass Melter

The Posterior Poacher

The Rump Roaster

The Seat Sizzler

The Thigh Thawer

The Tuchas Torch (our favorite)

The Vulva Volcano (sorry about that one...)

The Underside Undulater

The Wiggle Warmer

That's 24 little phrases, some obviously better than others (a few bad or really obscene ones not included here). And to think: We thought we'd exhausted the possibilities when we got to 14. Please help us get to 25, then 30, then......who knows?